Love Potion Number 9

The trick, not the song, by Jim Gerrish


For a bit of humor, the Wizard can begin with the words of Professor Snape from the Harry Potter book (#1) The Sorcerer's Stone, "I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death."

The Wizard continues: "Our first potion will not be so dramatic. We'll try a simple love potion for beginners. I believe this is formula number 9."

The Wizard begins with an elixir of "Tears from a Lover" (water), mixes in some rice left over from the last wedding he attended, some rose petals from the bride's bouquet which he just managed to snatch out of the air, and a spritz of some 99 cent store perfume which he assures the audience is genuine French perfume called "L'amour," $100 an ounce.

"Now for the active ingredients," the Wizard chants. "Blood from the heart of a hummingbird (stage blood or ketchup), might as well toss in the heart, too...(a chicken or turkey heart)."

These ingredients are truly gross and should elicit moans and groans from the audience as they are tossed in. Their purpose is to keep anyone from the audience from actually drinking the potion, or even wanting to. You can add disgusting things like chicken guts from the meat department, and give the parts colorful and descriptive names. If you have access to dry ice and know how to handle it (with wood or plastic tongs!), a piece of dry ice dropped in will bubble and smoke for a nice effect.

When the Wizard judges the potion is complete, he offers it to a member of the Muggle audience to drink and test it, to see if he or she falls immediately in love with someone. For some strange reason, no one seems to want to try it, so the Wizard proceeds to Plan B.

The Wizard shows a set of photographs of movie stars, models, glamour gals, etc. Among them is one not-so-glamourous female... like Margaret Hamilton (the actress who played the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz), Emma Thompson (the actress who played Professor Sibyll Trelawney in the Harry Potter #3 movie), or Miss Piggy, etc.

"Since you don't wish to try Love Potion Number 9," says the Wizard, "We shall try it on one of these beautiful women and see if we can make one of them fall in love with you." After mixing them up, the Wizard places all of the photos into a large manila envelope. The Muggle then reaches into the envelope and removes the photos one by one. These are the rejects, and the Wizard commiserates with the Muggle as each one is drawn... "Oh, too bad! You really would have enjoyed being loved by Halle Berry!" ... and so on.

As it turns out, the last photo is the very one the Muggle has been trying to avoid... the not-so-glamorous (for example) Miss Piggy. "Too bad," says the Wizard. "It's your fate to be loved by her. Don't worry, the potion only lasts for a few weeks and then she will stop loving you."

The photo is placed back into the envelope while the Wizard takes some of the Love Potion Number 9 formula into a syringe and squirts it into a pitcher of milk. "To her, it will taste just like a strawberry milkshake," declares the Wizard. "I'll just put in a drop or two." The Wizard manages to squirt the entire syringe into the milk, which turns it a bright pink color. "Looks a little like Pepto BismolŪ" says the Wizard. "I'll just pour a drop or two in with the photo." Of course, he pours half the pitcher of pink milk into the envelope.

"Hold out your hands and catch your Lover," instructs the Wizard. "She should be dry by now." The photo falls out of the envelope and is indeed completely dry, although it has pink splotches all over the face of it.

"Since you were the first person she saw after ingesting the Love Potion, she has fallen completely in love with you," says the Wizard. "Let's just test that theory, shall we?"

The Wizard mixes up all the photos as he did before. "Say stop at any time," the Wizard tells the Muggle, as he slides the cards from one hand to the other. When the Muggle says "stop!" the wizard lets him slide out the card he has selected and it is, of course, the pink splotched photo card.

"Your lady friend is stalking you," says the Wizard. "Let's try another test." The Wizard wraps two rubber bands around the pack of photo cards, sealing the pink splotched photo somewhere in the center. "Can you whistle?" asks the Wizard. If the Muggle can whistle, the Wizard asks him to do so, otherwise the Wizard hands the Muggle a little plastic whistle to use. When the Muggle whistles, the pink splotched card comes flying out of the stack, through both rubber bands, directly towards the Muggle. "She flies to you on wings of love," declares the Wizard.

"I will attempt to break the spell of the Love Potion for you," says the Wizard to the Muggle. "Otherwise, she will be popping up all week in the most embarrassing locations."

The wizard uses his staff to draw a pentagram on the floor, or merely points to one already drawn there. "Stand in the center of the mystic pentagram," commands the Wizard. "Give me the photo of your lady love and I will mix it well amongst the other photos." This he does, and then hands the pack of photo cards to the Muggle. "Hold out the cards and I will remove them one by one," says the Wizard. As he removes each card, he shows it to be one of the other models or stars. The pink splotched card is gone.

"It's very difficult to break a love potion spell," said the Wizard, "but it appears we have succeeded." Turn around slowly three times to break out of the pentagram."

As the Muggle turns around, the pink splotched card is seen hanging from his back. The Wizard appears flustered and embarrassed, and manages to snatch the card off the Muggle's back, pretending that all is well as the Muggle goes back to his seat.

Of course, the audience knows that the spell has not been broken at all and that the Muggle's lover will continue to plague him from time to time.

Love Potion Number 9 $7.00

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