Love Potion Number 9
The trick, not the song, by Jim
For a bit of humor, the Wizard can begin with the words of
Professor Snape from the Harry Potter book (#1) The
Sorcerer's Stone, "I can teach you how to bottle fame,
brew glory, even stopper death."
The Wizard continues: "Our first potion will not be so
dramatic. We'll try a simple love potion for beginners. I believe
this is formula number 9."
The Wizard begins with an elixir of "Tears from a
Lover" (water), mixes in some rice left over from the last
wedding he attended, some rose petals from the bride's bouquet
which he just managed to snatch out of the air, and a spritz of
some 99 cent store perfume which he assures the audience is
genuine French perfume called "L'amour," $100 an ounce.
"Now for the active ingredients," the Wizard
chants. "Blood from the heart of a hummingbird (stage blood
or ketchup), might as well toss in the heart, too...(a chicken or
These ingredients are truly gross and should elicit moans and
groans from the audience as they are tossed in. Their purpose is
to keep anyone from the audience from actually drinking the
potion, or even wanting to. You can add disgusting things like
chicken guts from the meat department, and give the parts
colorful and descriptive names. If you have access to dry ice and
know how to handle it (with wood or plastic tongs!), a piece of
dry ice dropped in will bubble and smoke for a nice effect.
When the Wizard judges the potion is complete, he offers it
to a member of the Muggle audience to drink and test it, to see
if he or she falls immediately in love with someone. For some
strange reason, no one seems to want to try it, so the Wizard
proceeds to Plan B.
The Wizard shows a set of photographs of movie stars, models,
glamour gals, etc. Among them is one not-so-glamourous female...
like Margaret Hamilton (the actress who played the wicked witch
in The Wizard of Oz), Emma Thompson (the actress who
played Professor Sibyll Trelawney in the Harry Potter #3 movie),
or Miss Piggy, etc.
"Since you don't wish to try Love Potion Number 9,"
says the Wizard, "We shall try it on one of these beautiful
women and see if we can make one of them fall in love with you."
After mixing them up, the Wizard places all of the photos into a
large manila envelope. The Muggle then reaches into the envelope
and removes the photos one by one. These are the rejects, and the
Wizard commiserates with the Muggle as each one is drawn...
"Oh, too bad! You really would have enjoyed being loved by
Halle Berry!" ... and so on.
As it turns out, the last photo is the very one the Muggle
has been trying to avoid... the not-so-glamorous (for example)
Miss Piggy. "Too bad," says the Wizard. "It's your
fate to be loved by her. Don't worry, the potion only lasts for a
few weeks and then she will stop loving you."
The photo is placed back into the envelope while the Wizard
takes some of the Love Potion Number 9 formula into a syringe and
squirts it into a pitcher of milk. "To her, it will taste
just like a strawberry milkshake," declares the Wizard.
"I'll just put in a drop or two." The Wizard manages to
squirt the entire syringe into the milk, which turns it a bright
pink color. "Looks a little like Pepto BismolŪ" says
the Wizard. "I'll just pour a drop or two in with the
photo." Of course, he pours half the pitcher of pink milk
into the envelope.
"Hold out your hands and catch your Lover,"
instructs the Wizard. "She should be dry by now." The
photo falls out of the envelope and is indeed completely dry,
although it has pink splotches all over the face of it.
"Since you were the first person she saw after ingesting
the Love Potion, she has fallen completely in love with
you," says the Wizard. "Let's just test that theory,
The Wizard mixes up all the photos as he did before.
"Say stop at any time," the Wizard tells the Muggle, as
he slides the cards from one hand to the other. When the Muggle
says "stop!" the wizard lets him slide out the card he
has selected and it is, of course, the pink splotched photo card.
"Your lady friend is stalking you," says the
Wizard. "Let's try another test." The Wizard wraps two
rubber bands around the pack of photo cards, sealing the pink
splotched photo somewhere in the center. "Can you
whistle?" asks the Wizard. If the Muggle can whistle, the
Wizard asks him to do so, otherwise the Wizard hands the Muggle a
little plastic whistle to use. When the Muggle whistles, the pink
splotched card comes flying out of the stack, through both rubber
bands, directly towards the Muggle. "She flies to you on
wings of love," declares the Wizard.
"I will attempt to break the spell of the Love Potion
for you," says the Wizard to the Muggle. "Otherwise,
she will be popping up all week in the most embarrassing
The wizard uses his staff to draw a pentagram on the floor,
or merely points to one already drawn there. "Stand in the
center of the mystic pentagram," commands the Wizard.
"Give me the photo of your lady love and I will mix it well
amongst the other photos." This he does, and then hands the
pack of photo cards to the Muggle. "Hold out the cards and I
will remove them one by one," says the Wizard. As he removes
each card, he shows it to be one of the other models or stars.
The pink splotched card is gone.
"It's very difficult to break a love potion spell,"
said the Wizard, "but it appears we have succeeded."
Turn around slowly three times to break out of the
As the Muggle turns around, the pink splotched card is seen
hanging from his back. The Wizard appears flustered and
embarrassed, and manages to snatch the card off the Muggle's
back, pretending that all is well as the Muggle goes back to his
Of course, the audience knows that the spell has not been
broken at all and that the Muggle's lover will continue to plague
him from time to time.
all 11 articles of this issue (#4) of the Wizards'
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